Every time

Every time I walk in the rain, watching a couple walk past me- the boy holding the umbrella, the girl ranting away; I will hold it against you. Every time I see two friends walking side by side, half-smiling with the hint of a half-brewed misadventure, I will hold it against you. Every time, I go online to look if my Tinder has any new matches or if there is something in my inbox- and there is nothing, I will hold it against you. Every time I eat alone at a restuarant and try to avoid eye contacts from strangers, every time I fight my fights and come back tired with no one to talk to, every time I am reminded how ordinary I am, every time I am alone and have something funny to say, every time I have bread and mayonnaise for dinner, every time I miss a movie because no one pushes me to watch it, every time I make a call for no reason at all and no one picks up, every time I am stuck in traffic, watching happy families all around me; every day that I wake up late with no one asking me to hurry up, every birthday I have without you... I will hold it all against you.


And then when one day, you finally choose to show up; I will probably not be there. I mean I will of course be there physically. I will exist like a monument, a reminder of what could have been. I will smile and make jokes. I will bring cheer. Imagine the Red Fort. It is still beautiful, people love it. People spend days walking around it, amused by all the history it has. But, the thing is- no one lives in it any more. It will probably be too late. Or maybe it won't be late. Maybe I just want you to hurry up. Wherever you are, whoever you are, if you don't hurry up, I will surely hold it against you.