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Thursday, 29 March 2012

A Loser's Guide to Hitting on Girls on Internet!

Warning:- Not to be taken seriously!

Note: Ignore the warning!
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Ok so your cyber girlfriend turned out to be a guy and your heart is in pieces! It's time to grow up, and find yourself a new ladylove! The best thing about flirting on the internet is that there is no eye-contact required and you need not be shy of the pustule growing on the tip of your nose because no one is watching you! (Except the cyber crime department of police but hey! you got to do what you got to do! Right?)

So here is the strategy! First in your notepad (because MS- Word is for real losers!) type out the following message-

"Hey! Just saw your profile! Wanna make fraansip? LOL! J/k I am not one of those losers! So, umm wanna be friends?"

The best thing about the above message is- its camouflaged! It's loser-ish but not totally loser! It works 87% of the time according to the bored-statistician-department-of-statistics-survey-of-2011-losers in India and abroad!

Now, copy the message and go hunting random girls on Facebook and Orkut! Yes, I said orkut! Desperate times, desperate measures! Start with common names and work your way up to the complex ones!

Go for Priyanka, Deepa, Priya, Piya, Sunita, Babita, anyone! Filter age, location etc to get the girl who is furthest away from you! Why? Time for a hypothesis!

Hypothesis 1- The further away is your online crush, the hotter she is! This universal law has been proved time and again. The day you go to Kashmir, all the girls in Chennai will become extra-hot!

Now paste the aforementioned message in her mailbox (and never her wall or scrapbook because hey! public humiliation! I think you've had enough of that already!) And be ready for any of the following scenarios which I have arranged in decreasing order of probability!

Scenario 1- She doesn't respond!
Chances are- she has a boyfriend. Let her go! Or worse still, she hasn't figured out how to respond to inbox messages yet! Let her go! The chances of you two walking towards the sunset in your screensaver are bleak!

Scenaro 2- She responds with a disrespectful message!
Don't lose hope. Any message is a good message! These are post-apocalyptic times, we need replies, nothing more!
Here is your way to go-

You:- Hey! Just saw your profile! Wanna make fraansip? LOL! J/k I am not one of those losers! So, umm wanna be friends?
Random Chick- Get away!
You:- oooo... I like wild cats!!
Random Chick- Which part of "GET AWAY" don't you get?
You:- Umm... the "away" part. Because I get the "get" part. You get me?
Random Chick- F*** off!
You- Hey! My friend was using this account on my behalf! I am so sorry! He is such a jerk!
Random Chick- Oh yea... just go away!


-- 1 week later---

You- Hey! Remember me?
Random Chick- F*** off!
You- Ok bye!

--Keep repeating this every week until she gives up and comes running to you, she loves you, she just doesn't know it! ---



Scenario 3- She turns out to be friendly

Time for a hypothesis-
Hypothesis 2- Girls who are friendly in the beginning, either never turn out to be good enough or cage you in the friend-zone forever!

You:- Hey! Just saw your profile! Wanna make fraansip? LOL! J/k I am not one of those losers! So, umm wanna be friends?
She- Sends friend request
You- Accept *do a little dance*
She- So how did you find me?
You- Oh I was just...
She- Ok, leave that, there is this guy in my college, I like him a lot! A lot means a lott!! But I don't know..... Hey can you...blah blah  Will you please...blah blah. ...you are my best friend na?!

*Sound of you screaming, falling in an abyss*

Scenario 4- She is a bit too chatty!

Hypothesis 3- Kerala and West Bengal states are the two most leading producers of chatty online girls. While chatty real-life girls are mostly found in Gujarat and Punjab! 

You- Hey! Just saw your profile! Wanna make fraansip? LOL! J/k I am not one of those losers! So, umm wanna be friends?
Girl- Umm.. I don't know! I barely know you! Tell me more about yourself!

--36 sleepless hours later--

Girl- So, tell me more about yourself
You- Gah! Ackkk! Mussst sleep!


So as you learnt, it's a tough world out there! But the girl of your cyber dreams is out there. Just go out there and explore!

Good luck!!

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

IRCTC Troubles




Prime Time News




Monday, 26 March 2012

My Sunglasses, My Style

This post is my entry to the "My sunglasses, my style" contest from BlogAdda by GKB Optical.com- India's largest Online Eyewear Store!

I have chosen two pairs of sunglasses for the contest which are- Police V-1666 and Ray-Ban RB 3025.
I do not claim to be a "fashionista" but I do love sunglasses, I think they form one of the most basic accessories in a wardrobe. Now that the summer is here, I think it's the perfect time to bring out those aviators or wayfarers and flaunt them on the streets, on the highway, during the pool parties, sunday brunches and what not! Sunglasses are the way to go!

Look # 1. - The Road Warrior

Brand- Police
Model- V-1666
The try on feature from GKB Opticals comes in handy!
These large aviators are enough to spice up your wardrobe for a road trip or even a sunday night out. Throw in a casual blazer, a white shirt and a pair of blue jeans to waltz your way to glory!
The best thing about Police sunglasses is the way they look urban and chick and yet classy and retro at the same time. Wear them to your Bollywood themed parties and dance away to 70's and 80's bollywood songs with elan!

A pair of white or black designer shoes will complete the look. If it's a road trip, do away with the blazer and go for a nehru jacket. Throw in a stole and you're good to go! Of course, I am talking about a bike trip! And yes, do not forget those boots because sometimes, shoes are just not enough!
For the frame shape, size and material specifications visit this link- Police V-1666


Look # 2- The Ladies' Man

Brand- Ray-Ban
Model- RB-3025


         
Can you pull off the "devil" look?



Or the suave gentleman look?
In contrast to the Police V1666's shell frame, these shades have cool metallic shade, that's why they are meaner! To pull off this look, you need these aviators which you can buy from here! Plus an attitude and a sharp combination! Wear them with a party shirt, preferably black, a white neck-tie (if you're into ties), black or blue jeans, a brown/ black leather belt and of course, black designer shoes and you're good to go clubbing on a saturday night!  Do not over-accessorize this look because in the world of elegance, less is more!

Better still, you can wear them with a suit! You'll be sharpness personified! A designer watch would just add to the overall charm! A black plain or pinstriped suit would work just as good! Don't forget to smile at the admiring fans every now and then! 


This entry is a part of the contest at BlogAdda.com brought to you by GKB Optical Sunglasses


Friday, 23 March 2012

How to kill a joke- Cheap tricks

There are many ways to kill a joke, in today's class we will study a few of them. But before that, a bit of history-

Historical backround-
 In ancient times, there was a dearth of funny men. Men were wanted- to make people laugh, to bring a smile to people's faces. The lack of humour came from the grinding duties imposed on the public by the state. There weren't any machines so all the work had to be done manually. Be it turning the pages for an elite-class man who liked to read or chewing food on behalf of the zamindaar's lazy son. Labour was cheap, people were made to work and it is a well-known fact that the first drop of sweat drains out all the humour from the human body.
This gave birth to the PJ phenomenon. The PJ or the programmed jester phenomenon is when one individual in the population is assigned the dreadful task of making people laugh. He is considered to be a funny man based on his credentials which are nothing but the inclination toward being a comedian. A PJ-artist is never a true comedian, in fact, rumour has it that he is made to undergo a surgery where all the humourous neurons from his brain are surgically removed. This individual is initially supported and cheered by the crowd and encouraged to talk and is allowed to consider himself a funny man. He sneezes and the crowd starts rolling in the alleys! After a certain amount of time, say, 1 week, he is programmed to self destruct and make way for a new jester. The former PJ-artist was beaten to a pulp, his throat slit, limbs dissected and then his body was thrown to dogs for a hearty meal. This way the crowd could let out its emotions after 1 week of, although senseless, laughter. The martyrdom of the PJ-artist was established and everybody lived jokingly ever after.

Present Scenario.
As times changed, people were relieved of the gruesome duties and machines took their place. Now the zamindar could use a mechanical nail cutter to trim his growing nails instead of some 80 years old, toothless villager being made to chew off the excess nails and fine-trim the irregularities in the nail contours. Humour took a place in society and no longer were the services of the PJ artist needed. The surviving descendants of PJ artists were told to take up a different profession and the not-so-funny jokes were not entertained (even for a week like in the ancient times) anymore. As beating someone to a pulp, chopping off his body parts and murdering him for telling a bad joke became socially unacceptable and in some countries, even against the law(!!), the PJ art took a different form. It evolved from a noble profession to a menace. PJ artists now are everywhere! Using "puns" in the name of jokes and destroying lives as we speak.

Proposed Solution.
As now we cannot murder the jesters, we need to kill the joke.

Method.
1. Ask them to repeat the joke. Every time a joke is repeated, it dies a little.
2. Ask them to explain the joke. If you want to go really brutal, feign ignorance about the characters and ideas used in the joke. Watch the PJ-artist's face go pale as he explains his own joke and drives those nails in its coffin.
3. Encourage them whenever they say something stupid and when they say it in a bigger setting and a lot many more people listening, give them a look that says- "what the hell dude! I think you're losing your charm."
4. When they are telling the joke, point out at their body parts which are weirdly large or small or basically disproportionate. Even minute observations like "Hey! Your nostrils flared when you said that! Can you repeat that word again!?" can put the joke burning on the backburner.
5. Space out when they are about to say something and come back to life when they end their joke, saying "Sorry! What?"
6. "Your joke wasn't funny." Have a really hot girl say it to them.
7. Murder them anyway and go to jail. You'll be a martyr.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

The Epic Trip- Three Idiots in Chandigarh!

Ordinary journeys help you discover places... while the incredible ones help you discover yourself! Here is one such journey of mine, through my cartoons! 






So there it is! The most memorable trip of my life! It was incredible for the sheer lack of direction that we shared during the trip. It is a reminder to me always that if you have good people around, and a sense of adventure, you don't really need a destination. 

The above entry has been written for Indiblogger's 

 XUV500 Incredible Stories Contest




Here is a link to Mahindra's incredible- XUV 500- http://www.mahindraxuv500.com/

Because some journeys are.... incredible!  



Monday, 19 March 2012

What it means to speak up in India

Image Courtesy- http://solar.envirohub.net/
 We as a group, as Indians are a very anti- speaking up kind of nation. We do not raise our voice on anything be it- corruption, animal cruelty, lack of amenities. We are taught as kids to shut up and listen to our elders. Elders are the wise ones, they know better. As we grow up, the elders are replaced by the powerful ones. From the school principal, college principal, boss, local MLA, all the way up to the prime sinister oops! I mean minister of the country form a hierarchy of power. You're not supposed to speak up against power. And if you do, you are a bad boy and you deserve some spanking!

As a kid, a child develops doubts in his quest to attain knowledge. He turns to his mentor only to be turned down. Asking questions is not really encouraged here. Questioning somethings mean developing doubt over its authority. You do not ask the "why"! You ask only "what" and you're supposed to memorize the answer.
Source: Google Image Search

A rule is created to keep the herd in line, keep the unruly crowd in check; time passes and the rule attains redundancy but it needn't be scrapped! Because to scrap the rule, you have to question it and questioning is, remember? forbidden!

In schools, a routine is created, a protocol is given. It's termed "discipline" and it frequently includes abhorring one's mother-tongue, cramming lines from a poem that you wouldn't understand even till your death. Here is where the fear of being wrong is instilled in young minds. There is a minority of teachers who believe in the far-fetched idea of individuality but, they are few and far apart.

Image Courtesy- http://abhyudayatoons.blogspot.com/ (my own cartoon)


As we enter real-life, we find unanswered questions, customs based on sheer lunacy, rules made by the powerful all around us. You enter a railway platform, see a board outside cafeteria which says "Please do not pay more than printed price for the bottled water" but when the owner charges you Rs 12/- for a Rs 10/- bottle, you do not pick up the phone and complain to the authorities, you pick up your wallet and pay up! We are the country where a long waiting queue keeps getting longer even if the nearby counter has a smaller queue. We like to stay with the herd.
Source: Flickr Image Search (Pavan Gupta)


It's not like nobody ever speaks up against things here. Oh! We are an enthusiastic lot. It is just that we are too preoccupied ourselves to carry on with the task of "speaking up". That's why we invite tenders and sell the right to the ones who are the most jobless. It's only that these speakers do not necessarily represent us when they speak, they represent lunacy in a different form, they represent power in a different form. They are the untamed, lunatic monsters that we had created to hunt down the tamed powerful monsters. Sadly, they have sided with each other and are now conspiring against us.

The monsters we had created, the wild ones of the society- are involving in eve-teasing, smashing things, boycotting Valentine's day, looting ballet boxes, murdering honest police officers. They are the rebels we have created. They work against the system, only to empower it. The right kind of rebellion is a mockery of itself. Take Anna Hazare movement for instance, he has rebels, his cause is good but, when it came to the litmus test, it couldn't hold its own. The fabric that builds today's rebel in India is tainted.

If we really wish to create a rebel with a soul for today's India, we need to water its plants with the water of yesteryear. A Bhagat Singh, a Chandrashekhar Azad are easy to find, but people who would believe in them? Not so easy. I think we've been betrayed enough in the last 50 years to trust again in a rebellion. That is why, as a custom, we don't speak up, neither do we let anyone.

Jai Hind!

Thank you Expedia! Thank you Indiblogger!!

I am so thankful to Expedia and Indiblogger for the honour. 

Saturday, 17 March 2012

A budget for bidis


Tuesday, 13 March 2012

If I could change something...


This post is for the Stayfree “Time to change” contest from Indiblogger.
Here is a link to the FB fan page of Stayfree- The link (https://www.facebook.com/sftimetochange)


Being a cartoonist, I thought there wouldn't be a better way to raise my voice than throught my own cartoons. So, here through a few doodles of mine, I'd like to say out loud what I think shouldn't be happening in the world. 

1. I see around myself guys who treat girls as objects, downgrade them and still I see girls flocking around these "bad boys". Somehow, slowly the "gentleman" is not cool anymore. I wish girls knew better.



2. Eve-teasing is a disgrace to the society yet it is one of the commonest crimes in India. Although the laws are getting stricter but unless there is a better environment for the upbringing and better ways to inculcate good values in kids, we are going to have a hard time keeping this menace at bay.




3. Which brings me the educational system as a whole. Moral values are taught at both home and school so, it would be unfair to blame the schools totally for the loose moral fabric of the country. But, the way schools have handled their methods in the past decade of so, there has been a rapid increase in the production of parrots and donkeys in our schools. So...


4. Another thing that I'd like to change in our country is the unequal and unfair distribution of food stuff. With a rising economy such as ours, the least we can expect is the people do not die out of hunger. But alas! such is not the case. Ironically, we claim to be a country of food-lovers. I wish that...



I believe that hunger and ignorance are the root of all evil and if we succeeded in changing any of the aforementioned problems to even a slightest of bit, we could change the fortunes of this country. 


Sunday, 11 March 2012

The Reassuring Dentist


Time to change- The shackles of the stereotype

This is about the "Time to change" contest by Stayfree India. You can see the Facebook page here
Well, if I could change anything around me, I'd change the way people judge each other on the basis of caste, religion and language. I do not like it when people form rigid, biased opinions about other people who they don't even know in person. 

In a country as diverse as ours, we need as much tolerance as that can be summoned up to live in harmony and happily. We already have a population of happy-go-lucky people who care a hoot about a person's cultural, linguistic and religious background and realise that what matters most is the human to human connection.

There are certain situations which leave a bitter taste in the memory when they happen to someone, they are like fuel to fire. As a country, why can't we be more tolerant of each other and let others live? With my cartoons, here I have tried to explain what ticks me off about the judgemental nature of the Indian populace-

1. Regionalism. I don't like how every south-Indian is a "madrasi" for some north- Indians. The great Indian North- South divide is due to the apathy shown by these fistfuls. Bullying them over "idli dosa" and generalizing everyone is not doing anyone any good.
Same is true for the generalizations regarding Biharis, Gujaratis and Bengalis etc. Generalizations serve no purpose than to create communication barriers.


2. Caste- based discrimination is much more deep-rooted and much more difficult to eliminate. There are people who place humanity above all but, still you'll find people who'll ask which caste you belong to you and then act accordingly. If you're from a lower caste, suddenly all your educational qualifications boil down to a null and you become one of the downtrodden, either worthy of pity or someone to be looked down upon.
We need more people like these

Sadly this is something so common that we consider it "normal"

3. The divide created by language is pretty deep at places. Try asking your way around Chennai- if you're not from Tamil Nadu. Hindi is something untouchable here. I'd like to change this too!


4. Another scum on India's face is the false sense of regional pride which causes generalizations to occur and divides people on small matters. True; one should be proud of one's heritage but not to the point that it disregards the present and basks in the glory of the past. 

I would like to change all these notions, break these stereotypes and see all of us, hand in hand working toward a better future. A future with endless possibilities. A future where our differences only make us stronger, a future where no one is afraid of change.

Yes, that's what I'd like to change! I hope I am not asking for too much.


Saturday, 10 March 2012

The dreaded Eleven Questions Tag!!


Google Images


I’ve been Tagged ! The 11 questions! Yes, the bone-chilling, spirit shaking eleven questions have been asked to me.

Thank you Rahul for tagging me! 
The Rules:

Rule#1: Put the rules on your blog.

Rule#2: Every person tagged should tell 11 things about themselves, answer the 11 (7 here) questions asked by the one that tagged you, tag 11 other people and ask them 11 different questions.

Rule#3: Let the people whom you tagged know you've done so.

Rule#4: Don't tag anyone who's been tagged before.

Rule#5: Really do tag 11 others; don't go all ''if you want to take this tag''.

Ok, now since I am quirky, I'll do this my style. Ok, Let's first go to the 11 things about me-

1. I am lazy. Here is me doing my favorite activity. (Well, sort of.. ok one of my most fav)




2. I am a cyber addict. I am one of those guys who need to get out and see the world instead of chipko-ing to the internet!




3. I comb my hair with a broken comb! ('cause I'm too lazy to buy a new one)
broke




and also...
4. I am broke most of the times, my bike is always in reserve!


broke
(yes, tilt your head because I'm too lazy to rotate this photo)



5. I always tend to overdress!
overdressed
(yes, that's me going to the loo)



6. I eat a lot of chips and biscuits! A lot!!
(that's my hostel room's dustbin)



7.  My room is a mess! My table looks something like this-
my table- my study table

Ok, 7 is enough, right? Even Shakespeare said, what's in the number? Or something like that! :-P Nothing else is coming to mind. Ok, for the sake of the tag, I'll go for it-

8. I am camera conscious. Make weird faces in front of the camera.
9. I want to become a full time cartoonist for a newspaper or somthing.
10. I am an eternal romantic.
11. I am moody! Very moody!!


Now coming to the next part of the tag-

1.       What are you passionate about?
          Easy one. I am passionate about poetry, cartoons, acting, anything that lets me express myself. I like          expressions!

2.       Cinema and Politics. What do they mean to you?
          Cinema is a way of living. I am a very filmy person. Movies have taught be everything- from love,  comedy, life-values, emotions, relationships- everything I have learnt is from bollywood movies. Politics is just a topic so that people don't run out of subjects to talk about.

3.       One good thing you want to happen in India, for people – Long term?
          Equal opportunities for everyone!

4.       One good thing you want to happen for yourself – Long term?
          A hedonistic lifestyle, holidaying in Miami, filthy rich... doing what I love!

5.       One good thing you want to happen for yourself – Short term?
          I want all the pain from my love-life to go away.

6.       A frank thing you want to say about one of the bloggers here?
          I think it'd be unfair for me to say anything as I don't know anyone personally here. Ok, if you put a gun to my head, I'll say Sujatha is quite frank. Also Nyx is quite open with her feelings.

7.       Belief in God?
          Haven't seen the guy.

8.       One thing you would surely do to uplift this poor country?
          There's nothing I'd surely do!

9.       One secret about you?
          I am a sucker for comments. But come on, who isn't?


10.   Do you hold any regrets in your life?
        Yes! (Question wasted)

11.   Adventure if any in life…lets count:
        Mm... too many to list. Yeh blog chhota pad jayega uske liye.

Ok now here are the candidates I have chosen-

1. Nyx
3. Saru
4. Kajal
5. Deepak
6. Devan
7. Arti
8. Sujatha
10. Sumitra

And your questions are-

1- What was your favourite toy as a child?
2- What is one thing that you wouldn't like to happen to even your worst enemy?
3- What one thing would you like to see happening to your worst enemy?
4- Do you really think these tags are fun?
5- Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
6- Your favourite city to live?
7- If Batman, Superman and Spider-man are in a three-way battle, who do you think will win? And why?
8- What do you think about Mahatma Gandhi?
9- Who do you think deserves to be the next prime minister of India?
10- What is meant by true love? In one sentence.
11- What do you think about dentists?

Ok... have fun! Peace out!!





Sunday, 4 March 2012

A politician from the SMS generation.

Recently, I had the privilege to interview a politician from the SMS generation. Sir Postit Textit holds an office in the cabinet. Excerpts-

Me- It's an honour to have you with us, sir.
Mr. Textit- Same here.

Me- Impressive election manifesto, I must say.
Mr. Textit- :-D

Me- You must have put in a lot of effort to show the public that you really care about their plight, isn't it?
Mr. Textit- :-P

Me- Precise as always. Sir, I must know- how do you plan to combat the conflict within your party?
Mr. Textit- LOL, it's np

Me- But sir, how can you LOL, recently, a few of the ministers from your party were caught indulging in drugs and beating up a policeman! They made a mockery of the law and order in the state!
Mr. Textit- LMAO!

Me- So, you're trying to say that we are a country of short term public memory and it should be no problem for you and your party?
Mr. Textit- Yup! Sup?

Me- I am fine, thank you sir. So, what is next on your agenda?
Mr. Textit- J/k LOL

Me- You mean Jammu and Kashmir? Oh yes, the valley has been home to cross border terrorism since long. We are glad that you're finally going to shift the focus to the issue.
Mr. Textit- :-)

Me- Sir, the parliament has been abuzz with the news of your party high command giving tickets to criminals and goons, what is your take on that?
Mr. Textit- tc

Me- tc? You mean their tickets should be cancelled? Why don't you address the conflict within your party first and then come to address issues of national relevance.
Mr. Textit- Hmmm...

Me- What are your views on the Lokpal bill sir?
Mr. Textit- gtg, cya l8r.

Me- ttyl sir?
Mr. Textit- Is that they way to talk to a cabinet minister? Security!! Arrest him! We are going to censor any such offensive comments hereforth.

LOL! Byeeee tc. :D

Thursday, 1 March 2012

Friendzoned!