How to kill a joke- Cheap tricks

There are many ways to kill a joke, in today's class we will study a few of them. But before that, a bit of history-

Historical backround-
 In ancient times, there was a dearth of funny men. Men were wanted- to make people laugh, to bring a smile to people's faces. The lack of humour came from the grinding duties imposed on the public by the state. There weren't any machines so all the work had to be done manually. Be it turning the pages for an elite-class man who liked to read or chewing food on behalf of the zamindaar's lazy son. Labour was cheap, people were made to work and it is a well-known fact that the first drop of sweat drains out all the humour from the human body.
This gave birth to the PJ phenomenon. The PJ or the programmed jester phenomenon is when one individual in the population is assigned the dreadful task of making people laugh. He is considered to be a funny man based on his credentials which are nothing but the inclination toward being a comedian. A PJ-artist is never a true comedian, in fact, rumour has it that he is made to undergo a surgery where all the humourous neurons from his brain are surgically removed. This individual is initially supported and cheered by the crowd and encouraged to talk and is allowed to consider himself a funny man. He sneezes and the crowd starts rolling in the alleys! After a certain amount of time, say, 1 week, he is programmed to self destruct and make way for a new jester. The former PJ-artist was beaten to a pulp, his throat slit, limbs dissected and then his body was thrown to dogs for a hearty meal. This way the crowd could let out its emotions after 1 week of, although senseless, laughter. The martyrdom of the PJ-artist was established and everybody lived jokingly ever after.

Present Scenario.
As times changed, people were relieved of the gruesome duties and machines took their place. Now the zamindar could use a mechanical nail cutter to trim his growing nails instead of some 80 years old, toothless villager being made to chew off the excess nails and fine-trim the irregularities in the nail contours. Humour took a place in society and no longer were the services of the PJ artist needed. The surviving descendants of PJ artists were told to take up a different profession and the not-so-funny jokes were not entertained (even for a week like in the ancient times) anymore. As beating someone to a pulp, chopping off his body parts and murdering him for telling a bad joke became socially unacceptable and in some countries, even against the law(!!), the PJ art took a different form. It evolved from a noble profession to a menace. PJ artists now are everywhere! Using "puns" in the name of jokes and destroying lives as we speak.

Proposed Solution.
As now we cannot murder the jesters, we need to kill the joke.

Method.
1. Ask them to repeat the joke. Every time a joke is repeated, it dies a little.
2. Ask them to explain the joke. If you want to go really brutal, feign ignorance about the characters and ideas used in the joke. Watch the PJ-artist's face go pale as he explains his own joke and drives those nails in its coffin.
3. Encourage them whenever they say something stupid and when they say it in a bigger setting and a lot many more people listening, give them a look that says- "what the hell dude! I think you're losing your charm."
4. When they are telling the joke, point out at their body parts which are weirdly large or small or basically disproportionate. Even minute observations like "Hey! Your nostrils flared when you said that! Can you repeat that word again!?" can put the joke burning on the backburner.
5. Space out when they are about to say something and come back to life when they end their joke, saying "Sorry! What?"
6. "Your joke wasn't funny." Have a really hot girl say it to them.
7. Murder them anyway and go to jail. You'll be a martyr.

Time to change- The shackles of the stereotype

This is about the "Time to change" contest by Stayfree India. You can see the Facebook page here

Well, if I could change anything around me, I'd change the way people judge each other on the basis of caste, religion and language. I do not like it when people form rigid, biased opinions about other people who they don't even know in person. 

In a country as diverse as ours, we need as much tolerance as that can be summoned up to live in harmony and happily. We already have a population of happy-go-lucky people who care a hoot about a person's cultural, linguistic and religious background and realise that what matters most is the human to human connection.

There are certain situations which leave a bitter taste in the memory when they happen to someone, they are like fuel to fire. As a country, why can't we be more tolerant of each other and let others live? With my cartoons, here I have tried to explain what ticks me off about the judgemental nature of the Indian populace-

1. Regionalism. I don't like how every south-Indian is a "madrasi" for some north- Indians. The great Indian North- South divide is due to the apathy shown by these fistfuls. Bullying them over "idli dosa" and generalizing everyone is not doing anyone any good.

Same is true for the generalizations regarding Biharis, Gujaratis and Bengalis etc. Generalizations serve no purpose than to create communication barriers.

2. Caste- based discrimination is much more deep-rooted and much more difficult to eliminate. There are people who place humanity above all but, still you'll find people who'll ask which caste you belong to you and then act accordingly. If you're from a lower caste, suddenly all your educational qualifications boil down to a null and you become one of the downtrodden, either worthy of pity or someone to be looked down upon.

We need more people like these

Sadly this is something so common that we consider it "normal"

3. The divide created by language is pretty deep at places. Try asking your way around Chennai- if you're not from Tamil Nadu. Hindi is something untouchable here. I'd like to change this too!

4. Another scum on India's face is the false sense of regional pride which causes generalizations to occur and divides people on small matters. True; one should be proud of one's heritage but not to the point that it disregards the present and basks in the glory of the past. 

I would like to change all these notions, break these stereotypes and see all of us, hand in hand working toward a better future. A future with endless possibilities. A future where our differences only make us stronger, a future where no one is afraid of change.

Yes, that's what I'd like to change! I hope I am not asking for too much.

Girls decoded!

One of the most written about topics is "fashion". It's about being comfortable in your own skin, being yourself, presenting the best that is within you, being stylish, not following the herd and so on. What I think of fashion is largely insignificant because I am not a style icon admittedly. I am one of those guys you cross off when you start making a list of guys who dress well. I am eliminated in the first round; and to substantiate that, I'd like to admit that I don't have a pair of nice jeans at the moment, I don't wear a belt with my trousers, I wear flip-flops to weekend parties, my socks sometimes smell and my shirt sleeves are not longer than my coat sleeves. So, please read this article at your own risk.

"Fashion is always about who you are!" If I hear that cliche one more time, I swear I'll puke. We are all born insecure, crying, seeking attention. We remain the same whole of our lives; except the crying part is replaced by more refined rituals. Rituals such as dressing up. I like to classify girls into the following categories based on the way they carry forward these rituals:-

Type 1- I hate all things pink.
These are tomboys with a confused sense of identity. Growing up with three-four brothers and no sister makes these girls' view toward "all things pink" a bit derogatory. Can be seen sporting large tractor tyres for ear-rings. Use a pair of tweezers carefully to explore the scalp under the dry strands of hair; you might break the eggs sparrows laid there. A nose ring can sometimes be seen, which is the only way to shout out "I am a girl, Goddamnit!" to her secret crush. Ask her to differentiate between mascara, eye-liner, eye-shadow, kohl and kajal and watch as her brain short-circuits.

Type 2- I am cute and I know it.
She has annoying "Hello Kitty" stickers on everything she owns. Carries a pink phone, a pink laptop; uses phrases like "ohmyGod!", "like I care" etc. Crosses her legs even before her bum touches the bench. You click a photo of her yawning, making a face or accidentally blinking and she'll pounce on you like a kitten screaming "delete it, delete it, delete it... or our friendship is over!" May annoy with their continuous self-indulgence. They follow up your serious talk with "Do you like my new nail-paint? Should I go with maroon or red? Forget it! I'll go with maroon!" One tip- Never go shopping with type 2. You'll die.

Type 3- I am not cute but I don't know it.
Type 3 is actually pseudo-type 2. Can be seen wearing sleeveless tops with their hairy armpits on display. She smells like a perfume shop exploded. You praise her because you respect all the effort she puts in to look good. Her facebook profile is full of mug shots, pouts and weird socially unacceptable expressions and gestures. Scratch the surface and you might find that she has wisdom, sense of humour and all things nice. Wish she wasn't trying so hard.

Type 4- The Princesses
You can also call them the "I am not cute and I know it" girls. Now these are my favourite ones. These are what I call the real fashionistas. They hide their oversize waists with intelligently placed hemlines. They mix and block colours like a pro. They know how the way they wrap a scarf can change the way they look. You can call them fat and not expect a shriek that blows away ships at the dock.

Type 5- The real tomboys.
They are the ones with serious masculine traits. They are not afraid to burp and fart in public. They sport a disturbing amount of facial hair. Sooner or later they transform to either type 4 or type 3.

Type 6- The world isn't so fair
Here we have the dual personalities. These are the ones with really cute profiles as kids but as they grew up, they disappointed everyone. Pimples, skin allergies, bone growth pattern- whatever it was, it made them cranky. Now their feelings and plunging necklines are on display. They have good and bad fashion days. Make almost intelligible remarks that sometimes you almost believe them until they wear an outrageous and disgusting dress and say mean things about a poor little girl sitting in the corner.

Type 7- The average ones
You never notice them until they drape a saree in someone's wedding. Behind those nerdy glasses and loose T-shirts is a princess who suffers with low self esteem. They make great listeners and friends. They are invisible most of the time. Hiding behind hooded sweatshirts, boring pony-tails and two-tone colour combinations with the two colours being gray and navy blue.

So here's how I know girls. Let me know if you know any more types and Let the good times roll!

The Great Indian Sense Of Humour!

In India, the elder or the more powerful you are, the funnier are your jokes. "Haven't seen you around for quite a while, buddy?" one asks and gets a "hehehehe... you're the one not providing a single glimpse to us mere mortals, sir... hehehe". There is a certain cockiness in the Indian modesty. It is, I dare say, not modesty at all. When complimented on how well we are doing, it seems that we can't take it. The immense pressure to smile in gratitude and thank The Almighty and simultaneously agree with the compliment, all we can let out is a simper and a grin. The cliched words that are said in the reply do not even make any sense- "It's all your mercy, sir.", "God is great, sir" or a simple "Hehehehe ... bas... saab hai.. (It is what it is).

It's so hard to decipher the sense of humour of an individual while it's mighty easy to make a crowd laugh. You sit with someone new, you say something funny and if it doesn't strike a cord, all you'll get is a blank stare. Not even a "confused" or "repulsed" look, just a cold blank stare and you dare not repeat the joke, because anyone has the right to disrespect anyone in this democratic country. While when in a group of 3 or 4, just make a funny face while saying the most mundane things and they'll laugh. All they need is one smile and it multiplies until no one knows why are smiling! The wise ones always find and keep a "smiler" with them when they begin a group conversation. This is mostly the person who is the most needy, sometimes it's just the dumb one.

We Indians, say the most rude things while laughing and strangely no one takes offense. In a nation of mc-bc, we are brought up to be rude to strangers. Well behaved people who respect the queue discipline stay in the queue while the "Hatt bhencho!" ones reach the top of the ladder as the crowd cheers them. We easily imagine that the father is stronger, wiser and more able than the son in every regard and when a son is trying to do something which breaches the norm that we have laid down for him, we ask him- "Tere baap ne kiya hai kabhi?/ yeh toh tera baap bhi nahi kar sakta!/ Iss kaam mein tera baap hoon main!" etc etc. (Has your father ever done this?)! So, when we refer to someone's father, we actually mean someone better. We don't mean to offend, yaar!And it's funny to be rude!

Also, you're not supposed to take offense when someone comments on the way you look. See, we are a country of  a gazillion people so, it helps to classify and categorize people. All the north-eastern states, Chinese, Japanese, Nepalese, Thais, basically all the folks with slant eyes are chinki chowmeens! All the south- Indians are Madrasis. All the spectacled nerdy ones are "chashmuddin- bajaye been"s. All the dark ones are kallus, all the fat ones are motus.... and so on! It's funny to us.


Here's a list of a few things that are funny to us-
1. Two people fighting on the street. (Don't you dare separate them! Bring the popcorns!!)

2. Farts! (C'mon! Farts are funny!)

3. Loafers teasing a girl! (I mean those guys are hilarious!)

4. Some dumbass shouting obscene remarks about the actor and the actress in a movie hall! (Who cares for class?)

5. Peeing in public! (I'm sorry, just kidding. Peeing in public is not funny! It's our birthright!)

6. Someone peeing under the signboard "Dekho kutta moot raha hai" (Look! The dog is peeing) (Funny 'cause the person who put up the signboard thought that it'd affect our peeing-ability!)

There are more but I think I should stop! I need to go pee on a wall!