Tuesday 31 July 2012

Why I hate Sneha Khanwalkar. (With an Oops!)

Yes, that pretty dame who goes around with her thing that she calls music; I hate her with a vengeance. I mean how could she just walk in and declare that she has arrived?! Get this straight, lady, girls don't make music! Men write the lyrics on women, music that is about the beauty of women, about the way she walks, she smiles etc., men write the music as well as the rules of the society! It irks me that you do not understand that!

Moreover, how could you take inspiration from local artists and music genres? Are we idiots to ape the west and revel to the beats of jazz, trance and rock? What bizarre instruments do I hear playing in your songs? What are those? You make music from the thump of a fist on a table, the vocal cords of a street artist vibrating at full throttle, buses honking horns, people chatting, phone ringing? Jesus Christ! You call that creativity?

Coming to the theme of your songs. Weren't you instructed, re-instructed and repeatedly reinforced with the belief that "love" is the primal theme for any type of music? What baloney is this? You make songs about leather shoe, Womaniya, tung tung ektaara and what not! You go to Bihar, Karnataka, Punjab and try hard to bring local sounds and flavours in your pieces? Why can't you understand that music doesn't need to flow so much? Why would you even try something that no one is sure whether the audience will like? What utter disregard for the popular taste?

To over-emphasize my point, I'd like to repeat that you're a female! We do not take young, pretty girls seriously! We put them in item songs and expect nothing more than giggly gossip about make-up kits and strawberry icecreams from them. Aap kahan se aaye ho madam? Where are you from? Why should I take you seriously? Just because you're talented, should I acknowledge you?

All of the above and a million other things are the reason I LOVE Sneha Khanwalkar. Oops!

Tuesday 24 July 2012

Ambiguity In Our Lives: A Satire

As a nation, I sometimes feel that we are obsessed with ambiguity. Our procedures, demeanours, concepts, even thoughts are clouded. Inheriting from such rich history and mythology; both subjects having a lot of scope for speculations and ambiguity, I think we have it in our psyche to mystify and overanalyse situations. We are a nation of haunted Dak Bunglows, mysterious witches of Bengal and "Raambaan" medicines with unknown mechanism of action.

Faith is one thing but, I think our romance with ambiguity roots from the strong spiritual roots that we have. Spirituality seeks the deep mysterious meaning of life and leaves many things unsaid. Growing up with these influences, we imbibe the values and turn out to be deeply spiritual beings even if we choose otherwise.

In government offices, at hospitals, in college admissions, everywhere we leave things unsaid and create mazes that the layman needs to figure out himself. No one seems to know the exact right way, it is as if we are left to find our own path to salvation. Religion has done much more damage to us than we know.

Shops that are closed on Wednesday may not open on Thursdays too, or they may open on Wednesdays sometimes. Everywhere in India, the answer is not clear, and you need to "ask someone". That someone may not give you the right answer but he may guide you to the next step toward finding the answer. You see, it's a procedure and you can't escape that!

Colleges have an intake of only a fixed number of students from a specific quota but, you may be admitted if you make the right calls, ask the right person and pay the right amount. Talent is one of the many things that need to be in the checklist if you want to make inroads in the field of your choice. What else do you need? Go figure!

So to conclude, I would say that I might be kidding all this while or maybe there is some truth in what I just said. If you really want to know, you need to "seek the truth". Good luck with the journey!

Wednesday 18 July 2012

The Art Of Silent Treatment.

Many times in your life, people will step on your toes and since they'll be close to you, you wouldn't vent your anger by means of a shriek. You'll stifle your primal instinct to curse and try to act as if nothing happened. It's not good though. Studies have shown that repressed anger is the worst form of anger. Studies that I've conducted on myself; but nonetheless, we all know repression can never be healthy. A healthier option is giving them a "silent treatment". It's good because you're not directly hurting anyone and when asked you can always hurl, "Oh! It's not you, I just have a little headache." and other various motley excuses at the opposing party.

So, without much further ado, let me teach you the art and craft of silent treatment.

1. Always smile.
Smiling at others but not at them lets the message out that you're not mad in general, just mad at something that they did. Also, it shows that you're a jolly person and they're missing out on all the fun they could have had with you. Do not overdo it though, you might not want to look creepy.

2. No direct eye-contact.
Eyes are windows to the soul. Close the windows, shut all doors, draw the curtains. Here is a simple exercise- a) Say something funny. b) Look around and laugh. c) Wink, smile and show that you share a great camaraderie with everyone else, d) Strategically miss them while looking around, it will make them feel like they do not exist.

3. When you're doing all this, make sure there are more people around you, talking to you, than them.
Otherwise the joke is on you!

4. Be nice.
This is a subtle move. You're nice to strangers, you do not hate strangers. Hence, be nice, at least act nice.

5. Group Ignore.
Sometimes life presents you a tricky situation where you have to give silent treatment to a group of people because they're all morons, and it's a proven fact that morons prefer company of other morons. In such cases, choose the friendliest, yet most hated member of that group to convey anything you have to convey. That ought to ruffle a few feathers.

All of this information is given keeping in mind that you're a nice guy and wouldn't hurt anyone on purpose. Use it wisely.