Thursday 24 March 2016

Why she would never text back!

The initial contact with a female of the human species is a fairly uncomplicated event which is such a misleading phenomenon. You would think that Tinder is made to bring two like-minded people together, right? Or two people equally willing to bone together, right? Well, here is a giant NOPE!

The tough part for you, because you are the guy, is to live in complete denial. You're supposed to think that this isn't about sex. If you accomplish this, the rest of the routine is cakewalk. If you lose your cool, like a gazillion other members of your species, she would never text back.

The two most important tools for creating that sexless, romantic air about you are 'pauses' and 'silences'. The most important thing is to breathe between text messages. Once you remember to breathe, you will realize that you are being paranoid about nothing. Well, that's not true at all. Your paranoia is justified because of the amazing sex ratio of our country. Being average is tough here. If you are an average male with average communication skills, you will find yourself burdened with the task of impressing or courting the average female who is equally un-talented and un-gifted but has the boob-shaped advantage.

With this advantage, comes the privilege of moodiness. The female can be angry at things you do. She can be angry at you for calling too much or not enough. It is up to you to figure out what you're doing wrong under the hanging sword. And yes, there is a catch to this situation too. If you show any apprehension or anxiety in response to this anger, you are considered a wimp and are summarily disqualified from the chase.

Imagine this situation- you really hit it off with a female in your first meeting and both of you mutually decide that you should meet again soon. Now, the next time you decide to text her, you might be annoying her by texting too soon without even realizing it. If it is too soon, she might send a short 'hmm' which is more of a grunt than a reply. You cannot ask her to clarify her replies because that might annoy her. It isn't her fault that you can't read minds.

Now before you classify this rant as sexist and me as paranoid, you have to realize how often this happens to me in particular and men in general. Sometimes the tables are turned too but, this write up is to vent the sadness of the guy who is still pondering over what he did wrong.

In a perfect world, there should be nothing wrong with coming off as too eager or needy because essentially the need or attention is directed toward the female. Doesn't a guy who can't wait three days (stupid rule) to send you a text sound like a promise of a good future? Why must you think that he is trying to fill a gaping hole in his life by sending you texts? For that, we have beer!

The world is not perfect though. It wants you to try to have someone by your side and that someone is probably smiling reading someone else's text. Someone else's less than perfect text but not yours.

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