Types of people I meet at meetup.com

Ever since I started my meetup groups on meetup.com - meetup.com/talking-books-in-delhi and meetup.com/delhicartoonists I have come across several breeds of people and have been secretly judging them and smiling to myself like a moron. It is about to time that I shared the data with you all so that we can all smile to ourselves like morons-

Importance of irreverence: Decoding India's sense of humour

As the debate heats up on whether or not Tanmay Bhat's jokes were in bad taste, I have a different question. What is India's sense of humour? India as a country has to have a sense of humour, right? You can't be a vibrant democracy and not have a good sense of humour about things.

Chatting Made Complicated- Whatsapp

So Whatsapp has this intersting new feature where you can select the skin colour of the emoji you are sending on chat. It is a hard choice because in that very moment, when you are set to choose the skin colour, your brain helps you realize if you have been a closet racist all this while.

Respect the belly

I do not know if it is just an Indian thing but, we as a country tend to respect the paunch. It signifies prosperity and influence in our culture. Prosperity because only someone with a belly can afford diabetes and blood pressure medications. And influence because only someone with influence can flaunt a potbelly without people mocking him.

Small town patriarchs usually indulge in this belly display competition of sorts when they come out of their monarchies, with their sando banyans folded up, rubbing their bellies and yawning. By doing so, they display to the world that they have attained that stage in life where they are not afraid of the fashion police. Not that the fashion police would dare even to think about detaining them anyway.

A shopkeeper with a loose shirt and a fragile frame has to try really hard here to please customers. Customers are unimpressed with the shopkeeper's inability to overfeed himself. On the other hand, a shopkeeper with a potbelly can sit indifferently and yet, people would flock to his shop. They would offer him money as he looks the other way. He would notice eventually and turn his attention to them in slow motion while scratching his cheeks. People would patiently bear through the whole procedure just so that they have the privilege of him replying to their innocuous questions.

I hate pigeons

There is not much that can done about pigeons. Once they decide that they want to be a part of your life, you can fight it, you can put up a resistance but eventally, the pigeon wins. The pigeon always wins and it is not even like they woo you or something. They are those lovers who'd continue courting you until you get tired and say 'yes'. A pigeon is relentless and has an air of 'I don't know what I am doing wrong' about itself.

Writers and Money.

Writing as a profession is an easy thing. All you need is a laptop, a charger, your fingers and a will to never earn money. Premchand died in poverty, many other authors followed suit but, then there are the rockstars of the lit world who release novels like blockbuster movies.

Why she would never text back!

The initial contact with a female of the human species is a fairly uncomplicated event which is such a misleading phenomenon. You would think that Tinder is made to bring two like-minded people together, right? Or two people equally willing to bone together, right? Well, here is a giant NOPE!

The 5 most annoying advertisements in India right now!

Some ads on the internet and television right now seems to be the brainchildren of very tired copywriters and clients who are Jon Snow (knows nothing). Here we will list a few of them-

1. Vimal Pan Masala (feat. Ajay Devgn)

Hindus, Muslims and their Stuff

The purpose of this article is not to offend anyone. The main message is to respect all religions and not let minor differences divide us. I have cautiously kept the humour subtle and tried not to offend the sensibilities. Still, I request you to kindly not take it wrongly. In case you have specific grievances, do let me know.

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A lamb hopped across the farm and posed a serious question to his mother, 'Mother, why are we sacrificed on Bakrid?' The wise goat smiled and said, 'Because son, we are offered to Allah.'

'But why not the cow', the lamb shrugged.

A calf ruminating in the yard, tied to a nail, raised her lazy head to give the lamb a look of annoyance. Embarrassed, the goat explained to her son, 'Cows are Hindus, my dear.'

'This is unfair. When did this happen? Who decided which religion takes which animal? What if I want to be a pious animal in Hinduism? Where is my choice?' The lamb threw a tirade of questions along his mother's way.

The wise goat smiled. She sighed, 'I wish your father was alive to answer your innocent questions.'

'So what happened to him?' The lamb was curious.

'Well, he was sacrificed along with 2 lakh other animals in Gadhimai festival in Nepal.' The goat lamented.

'Wait, isn't that a Hindu festival?' The lamb was perplexed.

The goat was silent.

The lamb was angry. 'I want to be a cow!' He stomped his feet.

'India: The Largest Exporter of Beef', the newspaper headline read. A cow munched on the newspaper near a garbage bin as the lamb raised a ruckus in the farm.

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A kid looked through the glass window of a moving car and asked his Dad, 'Daddy, aren't these coconut trees?'

'Yes', The father was not ready for the barrage of question that he knew were to follow.

'We offer coconuts in temples, right?' The six year old was just warming up.

'Yup', The father silently lamented bringing the chatty kid to the long road trip.

'Why don't be offer dates? The date palm looks so similar to the coconut tree?' The kid was on a roll.

'Ahmed uncle had brought dates when he returned from his Dubai trip. Are dates Muslim and Coconuts Hindu?' The kid went on.

The father smiled.

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'They won't eat us, so they are our friends, right?' A piglet squealed as he posed philosophical questions to his father.

'Technically yes, but they think we are impure or something.' shrugged the Papa Pig rolling in mud.

'But Hindus are the opposites of Muslims, right?' The piglet wasn't done.

Papa pig wanted to disagree but being the sloth that he was, he just nodded like a politician allowing the partition of India-Pakistan.

'So, they must love our meat, those Hindus, right?' Now the piglet was just getting illogical.

Papa pig sighed, 'No, it doesn't work that way. Most strict Hindus are supposed to be vegetarians.'

'But we still get eaten, alcohol gets consumed, cigarettes get smoked and cows also get eaten.' If the religious laws are so sacrosanct, how are so many people breaking them so easily?' The piglet squealed harder.

'Because there can be good Hindus and bad Hindus, good Muslims and bad Muslims.' Papa pig went on, 'The bad ones in the religion go against the tenets of their faith.'

'But if humans can be bad or good, why aren't there any bad cows or good pigs?' The piglet mumbled.

Papa pig smiled.

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Fin

Murphy's Law of Apps

You take out your phone and fire up the taxi service app because you need to get somewhere real quick. The app shows the notification: ‘Kindly update the app to continue using Uber.’ Bam! You have been struck by the Murphy’s law of apps. The probability of this notification appearing is directly proportional to the urgency of the situation.

Please notice that this situation can’t be avoided with 3G or 4G internet. If you manage to update your app in two minutes, your login will not work. The OTP will never arrive so, don’t even try.

There are many other such examples of the law in the app world: You are on Tinder and have decided to swipe right only and only when you really feel like it. You find no matches so, you let yourself go. You swipe every moving thing right. You rightswipe so much that your phone feels molested. Then you find your dream girl, sitting right at your screen: smiling, reading your favourite book, listing your favourite movie as her favourite movie. You try to swipe her right and Bam! You are out of likes. Murphy’s law!

You order food by Foodpanda at 10:45 pm. You wear your dinner pajamas and dinner t-shirt. You fire up your appetite by eating some Kurkure and at 10:55, you get the message: ‘Your transaction has failed. LOL’ and you try to place the order again. Kitchen closed! Bam! Murphy’s law!

You have a Whatsapp group that is insanely active. You just reply to the group messages out of sheer boredom. Suddenly you see a notification ‘Your crush has sent a message’ and you press ‘Back’ to read the message. The wheel of death begins rotating in the middle of your phone screen and below it reads the ominous warning: ‘Backing up messages, please wait’. Until the wheel completes its 45649 turns, your crush has gone to sleep. With someone else. She is probably married by now. Bam!

You want to show this amazing video to a friend. YouTube says, ‘An error just occurred, please try again.’ But it really means, ‘Haha.. Good luck with that, mate!’ BAM!

You open Twitter in hope of finding some good humour and all you get is some ads but you scroll further down and there they are! Good jokes. Twitter is cool.

Fin.

The art of being a loser

Did you know that after the Mahabharata war concluded and it was all said and done, Pandavas went to hell and Kauravas went to the heaven? India has always been kind to its losers. We, as a group, have a deep sense of sympathy for the vanquished, the famished and the incapable. It is not kindness, it is something more. We just do not like winners.

You might think that in a country of more than a billion people, there ought to be more losers than winners and that's why the majority has glorified losing as a propaganda move. But, it is not that. It certainly is not. The 'propaganda' has been in our collective psyche even before we were exploding as a population. We have revered Karna and despised Yudhishthir ever since the beginning of time.

Our love stories end up in both or one lover dying, our success stories end after one becomes rich as if that is a tragic end.

It is something so fundamental and yet so subtle. 'Krishna never married Radha', we smile as this thought passes our minds. It makes us misty-eyed. We love the irony in these situations. We are a nation of ironies. Ironies are everywhere- a hairdresser has the worst hairstyle, a doctor works for a salary lower than a government school peon, a cow-worshiping nation exports the most beef in the World.

But, it is not the love of ironies that makes us love our losers. Not all losers are loved here. Losing is an art. It is not easy and it certainly comes with a price. Let me just take you through the things that go into the making of a great loser-

First and foremost, you have to be proud of it. There are different ways to approach life in India. If you are a young person, there are a multitude of things that will be expected of you. One way is to keep working at those things until you achieve them and then realize the futility of it. Your neighbour wants you to get a PhD? Get a PhD. Your family wants you to marry someone you barely know? Marry the shit out of them! Your friend is preparing for UPSC exams? Start preparing!!

The second way is to fail at all those things and then proclaim that they are beneath you. Medicine? No one respects doctors these days. PhD? It is more like becoming a professor's personal assistant for seven years. UPSC? The bureaucracy is corrupt anyway!

Of course the third way of failing and sulking is not mentioned here because, we are talking about how to be a 'good' loser.

The next thing you have to keep in mind is- assimilate the opposite traits of the job at hand in your personality and then declare that you cannot change yourself for one stupid examination or challenge. If you are preparing for Chartered Accountancy, become a lazy person and renounce hard work- grow your hair, call yourself creative; if you are to sit for National Institute of Design entrance, forget how to hold a pen and tell people that you are more of a science guy. People will respect you for your ways and how you are set in them.

The third point is- start working on your looks. People hate losers who look miserable. A loser who looks like Enrique Iglesias finds many shoulders.

Another tip that I can share is- start working on a book. Now, you don't have to actually write a book. This is just to trick people into believing that you are an intelligent, sentient being instead of the dummy that you really are. Whenever you face a failure, say things like- 'at least it was an experience' and 'this is so going in my book'.

Also, pretend to have a calm sense of detachment and a sense of humour about losing. Smile and say, 'Maybe I am always meant to be in the journey and never at the destination' even when you actually are screaming curse words from inside. Make jokes about your own shortcomings and when someone else makes a joke about it, become very grim. Always lower your chin and make a face that is half-smiling when someone cracks a funny joke about you. The amount of guilt you make them feel is going to be directly proportional to the respect you get later.

With all the glamour associated with losers these days, one day will come when people will be vying to come last in marathons. Until that day, keep losing and don't be a sore loser.

Sitting in a hospital

Sitting in a waiting area of a big, commercial private hospital is one activity that can give you some major insights related to love, life and family. Forget the banks of river Ganga, true moksha awaits right here.

Behind the cleverly designed billing desk sits a clerk. The walls of the desk are such that body parts that are used for smiling i.e. lips remain hidden and only those stern, fierce eyes are visible. Eyes that are used to sternly ward off any medical insurance claims that you are about to make. Eyes that are shaped like a giant 'nope'.

In the gallery you will see some wandering souls. Some walk fast because they have to leave for work and are here to just 'drop off' some flowers or sweets. Fast-walking feelings are more lifeless than the slow ones. But you can't blame people for detesting hospitals. Nobody wants to stay back. All the young ones leave quickly while the zombies with their walking sticks and loose skin are left behind. They wait in their wheelchairs for the attendant to come and help them with bathroom stuff. People turn away their faces because no one wants to hear about a senior lady with bladder problems. Jesus, the canteen is right there and it is lunch time. You got to maintain the appetite for the overpriced cafeteria.


I see old people- confused and waiting for something or the other and I shudder with fear. This could have been a handsome man in his day. Now he sits with that loose wrinkly skin, trying to get up with support. He may be coming out of the operation theater or going in. Who knows? He just wants his life prolonged and we all approve of that but we still make faces and shrug when asked about his health. I, for one, do not want to live after I am past my prime. I may have a prolonged prime like one Mr Clooney but not a moment after that. It doesn't matter what I want though.Old people- they all look the same on one level. Yes, you can tell one from the other but, they all are one community- like babies. You can be Hispanic or an Asian man but once you are an old man, you are more of an old man than anything else. I don't want to be more of something than anything else.


Then I look at the walls and architecture. It is designed to be soothing to the soul. There is a painting of a flower and then there is a giant vase with giant artificial red flowers. I don't understand how fiery red flowers representing passion can be soothing. A painting of the same is soothing because it assures the observer that the passion of the flower is contained and chained within the frame and won't jump out to bite you. The flower in the vase, on the other hand, looks angry to me. I also don't understand these plain walls without paintings. The government hospitals have crafted a much more intelligent way to get their walls decorated with modern art which gives a much more friendly atmosphere to patients of glaucoma who can't see a thing. They sell paan and gutka etc outside the hospital and the people who work in the hospital use their mouths to mix all the shades of red colour and then spit them on the walls to create great, soothing modern art. This private hospital should learn this technique from those hospitals.


The nurses wear floral patterns and are Malayalis for some strange reason. All good nurses are Malayalis they say. But, why? Well, because they are well-trained. I don't understand this reasoning but I nod. I think people from Kerala have a nice, friendly vibe about them. I ask a Malayali nurse if Mr Verma is admitted in the ICU. She rammed the door on my face in the most friendly manner.

Some people, right?

Human beings were not born to be polite to each other. If you don't believe me, look at children. Who would think, in their right mind, that a child can be courteous and respectful from birth? These are taught values- constraining and restraining. We are evolved primates. Our close cousins- Chimps and Orangutans; do you see them nod to each other, making way for the disabled and weak as they go around the jungle? Well maybe, they do. I don't know, I am not a zoologist or an animal behaviour specialist, alright?

Anyway, the point is- we are designed to be selfish and rude. Nature has selected those qualities and that's why they exist. At least in Delhi- Gurgaon area, you can see this natural selection at its magnificent best.

You may bump into a polite stranger every once a while but, the beauty of just elbowing past a crowd to get to the HUDA metro station gates first is a sight to behold. There are those bad apples who hold doors for strangers and park their cars the right way but, thankfully, we have more people honking at traffic signals and overtaking you at sharp turns to keep the faith alive.

Being rude is not disrespect to the community, mind you. It is pro-society. It tells the individual that the world is a bad, bad place and every single person needs to watch out for themselves. Rudeness is the best teacher. In schools, the textbooks need to make the necessary alterations. In moral science, they should tell the young buds that when a stranger asks you for directions, you should just point skywards. Because, God knows everything. They should also teach them that when a stranger hands you their camera to take a picture of them, you should just run with it. Not the idea, damnit! Run with the camera. And then drop it in a nearby dustbin because you are not a thief. You are their teacher. Their life coach!

Also, abuse all privileges! That should be our national motto. Not Satyamev Jayate. Amir Khan should be weeping over those who do not abuse their privileges enough. We are doing it all wrong and this is the time to wake up! When you meet someone new, do not ask them how they are. Tell them what you want from them! And then demand it. Say no to politeness, say no niceties. Also, to throw in a bit of hypocrisy in there, call your rudeness- your genuineness.

Always be genuine.

Issued in public interest by Abhyused. Not really. All rights reserved. Really.

My answer to "At what stage in a relationship doesn an Indian girl decides to go physical with her boyfriend?"

This is my answer to the question-

At what stage in a relationship doesn an Indian girl decides to go physical with her boyfriend? 

on Quora.

(Satire Alert)



An Indian girl unlike any other creature is a unique specimen. Scientists have waited long nights on tree tops in jungles to observe this creature's behaviour and mating habits. This of course, has been a risky foray into one of the most mysterious tales of nature. A few scientists who dozed and fell from those tree tops were devoured by this so called creature called Indian girl known in the scientific community as Girlus Indicus.


To answer your question, an Indian Girl has certain mating rituals that do hinder an early consummation of relationship (if you know what I mean *wink*). The Indian Boy, the male of the species, scientifically known as Indus Desperatus has to earn the right with routine courtship rituals.



In the internationally acclaimed journal Scribble Pad, an article was published just today which lists out the steps that if carried out successfully, lead to coitus uninterruptus *wink*



Here are excerpts-

Step 1- Creepy Behaviour

Indicus Desperatus, driven by hormones and goaded by horny companions, approaches the female via Facebook, whatsapp or any other indirect method. This stage is marked by the blatant misuse of the word 'love'.

Step 2- Perseverance

Now, Indicus Desperatus is known for its perseverance. It's evident from the religious 'Good morning' messages sent to the female every day for a month. The fact that not even a single one of them is replied to shows the mule-like traits found in the males of the species.

Step 3- Denial

The male then assumes the female to be his girlfriend. It is a defence mechanism and depicts the tendency of the male to reward himself for his persistence.

Sometimes the step 3 consists of Acceptance by the girl. This is only possible when the girl is of the sub-species Girlus Indicus Stupidus. Since we are here to discuss the consummation of relationship, we will assume that girl in our case belongs to that sub-species.

Step 4- The Date

Finally in case of Acceptance, the girl chooses to go out with the guy on a date. Usually such dates constitute of moments like these-

a) The girl catches the guy leering at her cleavage. She asks him what he is doing. The guy says something that sounds like a compliment. The girl forgives the guy for being a lustful, bloodthirsty sociopath.

b) The guy tries to kiss the girl. The girl tries to resist. It becomes awkward. At one moment, the guy's lips touch the girl's eyeball.

Anyway, the date is soon wrapped up.

Step 5- The Quora

The guy posts questions like "At what stage in a relationship doesn an Indian girl decides to go physical with her boyfriend?" on Quora. He even wonders the same when he is with the girl. This leads to awkward conversations with no real progress being made on the relationship front.

Step 6- The Leap

Desperatus decides one day that enough is enough and takes the leap. He finally gets his way with the girl but after the act, the girl feels slightly violated. They part soon after the act.

How to find a bride in India? Simple steps.

How to find a bride in India?


To find a bride in India, one needs to give the impression that he is not interested in marriage, love or any suchlike distractions. One has to pretend to have tangible, attainable life goals. Whenever someone asks what you are doing with your life, you have to reply that you're preparing for civil services to at least qualify as a serious minded person.


Once everyone is convinced that you're a serious-minded person, this is what you need to do- assess your skills and talents. Then start pursuing higher studies in something which is completely opposite to your personal inclinations. You might ask what is the reason behind such diabolical behaviour. The answer to which is SHUT UP! You're not supposed to ask questions.


Moving on, once you're done with your education and are done eyeing all the pretty girls in your college, you develop a werewolf-like personality. Due to all the repression, your face develops scary features like dark circles, baldness etc. This is perfectly normal, you're on your way to getting married.


Now once you've acquired a graduate degree, look at your degree and enlist all the jobs suited for you. Now, take that list to the toilet and flush it. Start preparing for civil services, bank exams or other such institutions which offer jobs that require you to sit in a chair and analyze data for the government. Again, do not ask questions. The keyword here is 'government job'. Ok, two words. Keywords.


Anyway, now once you're 'settled', go to the marketplace with a cloth bag and ask for a bride. I am not kidding. Pick up that jhola and take your relatives for bride shopping. Whenever you are bargaining for a bride, assess all features like height, weight, colour (especially colour because dark ones are bad for some reason) etc. Once you have selected a bride suitable to your 'market value', just pick her up and put her in your bag. And here comes the best part, her relatives will pay YOU to take her away from them. Isn't it great?


All the best out there!

Cool things to say online

Cool thing 1- This was so funny, I spilled my coffee on my keyboard.

Why is no one drinking tea or shikanji when they are typing? And if why do you spit coffee on your keyboard every time you read something funny? Do I imagine you as someone holding coffee in his mouth scrolling the webpages?

Cool thing 2- I love cats.

It is just something cool to say. Somehow cats, books, coffee are cool terms. You may own zero cats, drink coffee without loving it or not drink it at all, you may have read only Chetan Bhagat but when you say those words repeatedly, you somehow become cooler than others. Why can't you just like to read books without loving cats? Jeez!

Cool thing 3- She friendzoned me.

Firstly, there is no such thing. Secondly, you always have the option of leaving.

Cool thing 4- I will watch it on Netflix.

No you won't. Netflix isn't even available in India. You probably learnt it like a cool word to say by watching too many American sitcoms. We might have cragslist but no one uses it here.

Cool thing 5- tl;dr (too long, didn't read)

Dude, it was just four lines. If it was tl for you, chances are that you're illiterate. 

If dentists were completely honest with you...

Top 5 ways every book reviewer covers up for the authors.

1. Dealing with bad grammer

2. Dealing with a dumb writer

3. Dealing with incomprehensible gibberish

4. Dealing with generic thrillers

5. Dealing with romance novels

Why did the paste commit suicide?

Book Review- The Room On The Roof- Ruskin Bond

I have a special attachment to this book because Ruskin Bond himself signed it for me. It has everything Ruskin stands for and more.

It's a story for young adults. The protagonist Rusty is a teen Anglo- Indian. There is a lot of adventure and coming-of-age stuff in the book. Ruskin's trademark humour doesn't leave him for one bit in the book. It makes the book much more than a delight. It's a gift you can give to a confused teen soul.

The innocent crush that Rusty has on Meena is the highlight ot the novel for me. If only our crushes were this kind to us!

The friendship that Rusty shares with Somi and Ranbir is also something remarkable. It reminds us to remain human and form bonds whenever possible because it's the best thing humans do.

The rebellious streak shown by Rusty makes one feel that Ruskin
must've kept his stepdad in mind while writing the character of the guardian. There is anger, there is triumph, there is everything in this small little book.

Ruskin also nails it with the descriptions of nature in his smalp little book. It has hints of the awesome writer. he is going to become later when he begins to describe the trees, the squirrels and the flowing river streams.

The part where Suri throws a going away party and everyone is happy to see him leave is painted pretty funnily. The bazaar and the chaat shop in Dehradun also find vivid descriptions in the novel.

The novel switches gears from misery to gaeity to tragedy to joy abruptly, much like life itself.

All in all, a lovable book.